Ellie: An Inventory of Being

I am Ellie.

I am twenty years old.

I am a student, but never a co-ed.
A girl, afraid to be a woman.

If I stand very tall I am 62 inches high.
I have blue eyes streaked with gray
And tarnished brown hair
That gets in them.
Sometimes I wear it in a bun and am Emily Dickinson or Louisa Alcott
Or in pigtails, and play hopscotch in front of Mellon Institute.
Or just let it hang,
And run down Chapel Hill anyway.

I am a student, and a lady, and a child;
Almost a woman, but always a girl.

I love rare steak and burnt potato chips.

I am older than Neenie,
Younger than Lea;
I love the smell of Arpege and mud flats.
I drink tea with lemon and sugar with coffee.
Daffodils laugh, but blue-bells depress me.
I’m afraid of trolls.

I like raisins in oatmeal and in the sun.
I work best under pressure.

I like shiny fingernails and jazz, but
I hate Altman’s and mini-skirts.

I like small rooms lined with books, and braided rugs, and
Pillows, because I like to sit on the floor.

I like fountain pens and brown notebooks and blue ink and
I don’t believe in god, but I don’t tell anyone anymore
And my children will go to church,
Because I love Christmas.

I love pearls.
I like garnets better than rubies,
And topaz more than diamonds.
But someday I want a diamond
And a gold band
Forever.

But not just now.

Someday I want a girl named Jeannie and a boy named Mike –
But they’ll have to wait.
Because I want to be a person first.

Subject to change.

I believe that women are more than equal, but keep quiet about it.
I know there are 435 members of the House of Representatives
But I don’t understand why more of them aren’t Negroes and women.

Rachel Carson and Margaret Chase Smith were my high school idols.
Now I’d add (quietly) Jean Kerr.

I’m an anti-feminist.
I love to travel alone.

I’m crazy about noodles and tuna fish and pizza with pepperoni and Jello.
I hate clutter, unless it’s books.

I love cozy slippers and lacy underwear and going barefoot in the mud.
I make spaghetti in a popcorn popper, and always add paprika.
I am in love with chipmunks, pigeons, and 4x6 envelopes.
I read Dickens and Ferlinghetti.

I love wind and rain and snowmen

And baroque music and Barbra Streisand, even if she’s trite.
And I don’t like earrings or hair spray or soap operas and
I adore commercials.

I love fireplaces with real fires, and front porches with creaky swings, and noisy typewriters.

I like strawberry milkshakes and frosted lipsticks.
I’d like to be cultured, but I love WABC and
I daydream at the symphony.

I love to get dressed up, but I don’t waste time doing it.
I hate alarm clocks and television sets. But I couldn’t live without them.

I’d rather walk than ride. But I’ll drive anywhere.

I’m honest to a proudly self-conscious fault, and I’m
Corrupt to a deeper meaning.
I wish sex were legal – but I went through a phase of wishing human sacrifice were, too.

I don’t want to grow up, but I’m scared to stay young.

I eat too much, sometimes, and talk too much, often, and
Wish I could sleep too much, always.

If the world were a stage I’d feel more comfortable in it.

I’m a loner, but I love being lonely.
I’m a conformist, except when I think.
I have horrible nightmares, and wild daydreams.
And I couldn’t live without either.

I spend too much money on velvet hair ribbons and funny cards and books of plays.
Hamlet and Antigone are my ideals, but
Creon and I are one.

I think too fast.
I hate greasepaint, but I love crowds.

I love Degas, but I don’t think I like horses or ballet.
I’ve always wanted to be the first woman president, and a marine biologist, and a literary lioness,
And an archaeologist,
But I’m allergic to dust.

I don’t want anyone to understand me,
But people think they do, and
They’re probably right.

If I were rich the first place I’d go would be Scotland.
The second would be Stratford.
And the third would be Disneyland.

I need someone to need me, because then I need them, too.
I’m a deadly realist, but I pretend to be idealistic.
I used to think there was no such thing as love.
Now I’m not so sure.

I never want to go to the moon, but I’d love to see penguins.
I’ve always felt that horses were incomplete zebras.

I’m funny.
But most of the time it’s intentional

I get migraine heartaches.

I either love or hate October and March; I haven’t decided yet.
I like men who know that women are people, too.
And I hate crew cuts and red hair.

I’m a drama major because there are only five of us.
I support the minority, but
If I were Jewish I’d be conservative.
If I were a Democrat, I’d be liberal.
I’m in favor of staying in Viet Nam,
But I hate war.

I may be in love, and it scares me.
But he doesn’t.

I love to see the sun rise, but hate to get up in the morning.

I’m perennially frustrated because I can’t know everything.
And I’m annually concerned about self.

My name is Ellie, and this is 1967.